I’m going to be referencing spoon theory a lot here;
if you aren’t familiar with it, please check it out. It’s brilliant and will
help you understand any chronically ill people you may know. In a nutshell,
spoons are shorthand for emotional energy. But seriously go read the original
source material.
Read it? Great.
It’s really too bad the Matrix and the whole “there is no
spoon” thing is kind of played out, because I’d like to fit that in here
somehow too. Because my spoons aren’t physical. Like the played-out Matrix
spoon, mine exist only in my mind. My spoons are things like serotonin,
dopamine, gumption, confidence, and coping skills. And you better believe there
is a limit on that shit. The good thing, though, is that I can also get spoons
back much more easily than physical spoons.
So what are some things that cost me spoons? Last week I had
to go see a new psychiatrist. Dreading it cost me spoons two days before. On
the way to her office, I got lost, and while driving slowly I got honked at by the
irritated driver behind me. That made me late for my appointment. At my
appointment, I had to go through my whole emotional history, which is NOT EASY.
So by noon, I had zero spoons for the rest of the day. If you wonder why
depressed people spend the day in bed, this is why. It would not be possible
for me to have done anything else.
But then there’s the good part: I got home and my dog was
happy to see me. There’s a renewed spoon (or like a hundred).
This face. So many spoons.
I took a nap, with my electric
blanket, which felt wonderfully decadent and cozy. So that gave me a couple
more spoons. I ate an apple with peanut butter. So after all that, I had about
five spoons for the rest of the day, which isn’t too shabby.
[Sidebar: getting spoons from food is risky, but pretty much
a sure thing. The “reward center” in your brain is activated by eating things
like sugar and fat.
It’s all dopamine. So if I need a quick boost, I can eat a treat and get a
spoon. It doesn’t have to be junk food. Peanut butter apples and anything
crunchy like fresh veggies are great sources for spoons for me too. But I won’t
lie, there are more spoons in cake than in a carrot. So I’ve gained 70 pounds
since being diagnosed with depression, and that sort of sucks, but all this
dopamine is nice]
[Some sort of pun about snuggling and oxytocin/ literal spooning and figurative spoons. I've given you the tools, write your own joke here.]
But wait, because unexpected things cost spoons. I came
downstairs and saw the sink full of dishes. I immediately felt overwhelmed at
the work I needed to do. I felt down on myself and called myself things like
“lazy” and “slob.” So that’s one spoon deduction for the mess itself, and one
spoon deduction for feeling like shit and wallowing in self pity.
One spoon deduction for feeling disappointed that TiVo
didn’t record the American Experience about the Kennedies (if you’re a history
nerd and not watching this show, you’re missing out).
Add a spoon for the sense of accomplishment of cooking a
great dinner for my family.
This is how my days go. Always adding and subtracting spoons. Do I have it better
than somebody with a physical disability? Probably, in some ways, because when
I’m out of spoons I can often get some back. In some ways it’s worse, because
people are less understanding of “I’m sad” as a reason to back out of plans.
The concept of accomplishment is as complicated as that of
food – accomplishing something is a great way to get some dopamine in my brain.
I make a point to accomplish five things a day (don’t be impressed; on some
days these are big things like organizing the coat closet, but on some days I
count brushing my hair as an accomplishment. It depends on my mood). So I know
I can get at least one spoon from feeling good about an accomplishment, but
what if I’m already at zero? Where do I get the gumption to even begin the
task?
Here’s another difference between mental and physical
spoons: I can put myself in the negative by using spoons I don’t have.
“Negative spoons” can best be imagined as a complete and utter fucking
meltdown. Going to the grocery store when I don’t have any spoons will
certainly result in a panic attack, usually between the produce and the seafood section, but then a feeling of accomplishment.
Cleaning when I don’t have any spoons results in such pathetic scenes as vacuuming
or folding towels while weeping.
Another catch-22 type situation with spoons is that making a
choice that I feel disappoints or irritates another person cost me a great deal
of spoons; but always saying yes and failing to put myself first does
too.
Sounds and sensory input such as the dog barking, a car
alarm, the kind of thing that I believe mildly annoys, or sometimes greatly
annoys regular people, can ruin my whole day.
What do I want people to take away from this? I would like
people to realize that when I break plans, which is super rare because of my
pathological need to never let anybody down, it’s very important to me to break
those plans. If I showed up for our lunch date/shopping/party without any spoons, it would be unpleasant for everybody.
I would like people to realize that I am not messy because
I’m lazy; I’m messy because I choose to allot my spoons elsewhere a lot of the
time.
I would like people to realize that when I don’t
answer a phone call but then immediately text back, it’s because talking on
the phone – to anybody, even somebody I adore (mom) – is an interaction with the
potential to cost a spoon. It may or may not. Sometimes I don’t have enough
spoons in reserve to take that chance, and texting is always free. That’s why
they call it free unlimited texting, I’m sure of it.
And last, I would like people to just be aware of invisible
illness. I know I make this look
good. My medication is extremely well balanced, and I’m good at hiding the crazy. There are about five people who know how hard things can be for me; I
don’t show that to everybody, and try as much as possible to make going about
regular life appear effortless. You know, like a normal person who just goes to
the grocery store and forgets something and doesn’t spend the rest of the day
beating themselves up about it.
I also don’t want to overstate this. As I said, my meds are
extremely well balanced. I have very good coping skills. There are days when I
have just all the spoons in the world at my disposal. Just absolutely all of
them, and changing plans and hearing loud noises and getting lost driving
somewhere don’t even register with me. Those are the good days.
On the medium days, things like that register and cost
spoons, but I can get them back with relative ease. I can motivate myself to go
for a walk and get a little exercise and see some lovely sights around the
neighborhood, and be ok for the rest of the day.
But there are also days when I keep my phone on silent
because the unexpected sensory input of it ringing would send me to bed for the
rest of the day, and it felt important to share that.
I believe we all have something. Ill or not. We all have
things that lay us low or build us up. I’d love to hear from you in comments.
What costs you spoons? What gives them back?
